Not for wimps
This Dionysian life, it is not for wimps.
There is no running away from Him, or running away from yourself. There is no “this is too much” or “this is too hard” or “this is more than I signed up for”. There is no point in the future when everything will be settled and easier, because the minute that happens, He will shake it up again. If you get used to the knife, it will be the soft hand next, and it will be just as difficult to bear. He will tear out your heart without warning, and just when you start living comfortably without one, He will cram it back into your chest, all roughly stitched up and oozing blood. It is a continuous process of breaking open and breaking apart and pushing through and hitting bottom and clawing your way out of your own grave and being reborn and exploding in ecstasy and being drained of everything and starting over and giving it all to Him again. For the rest of your life, and probably after that too. And you will scream at Him that you can’t take it or you don’t want it and it won’t matter. Not because He doesn’t care, but because His love is fierce and His fires burn hot, and once you’ve let Him in there is no “pause” button – He has you and He will make you better and stronger and madder and free, no matter the cost to your mind, body or heart. And then He will hold you, and stroke your hair, and gently, terribly, break you again.